


Three villains walk into a bar

by Brokensoul



Category: Eragon - Fandom, Labyrinth, ouat
Genre: Absolute Silliness, Other, Sad Bros, Snark, bros
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2018-12-31 11:58:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12132003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brokensoul/pseuds/Brokensoul
Summary: Rumple, Durza, and Jareth commiserate over lost loves, they really don't get it.





	Three villains walk into a bar

"Well at least I'm not glittery like the two of you. You with your flashy skin, and you with all that messy glitter! No wonder they left!" Durza laughed meanly and downed his shot, signaling for another. 

The terrified bar man rushed over to give it to him.

"They probably got sick of cleaning up all the straw and sequins!"

"You should talk with that ridiculous colored hair, " grumbled Jareth, morosely spinning a round crystal.

"His hair is ridiculous!" Cackled Rumple,"Have you looked in the mirror, you MTV reject? " 

"Well, you look like a Jpop band backup singer! Those stupid leather pants! And you wore them in a forest? " Jareth shuddered delicately.

"Why you jumped up eighties era gargoyle! I wouldn't be making fun of anyone's pants if I were you! Yours are tighter than the lead dancers in the Nutcracker!" Rumple shuddered, turning a nearby patron into a worm and casually smooshing it with a booted foot. 

"Speaking of nuts," drawled Durza, surreptitiously sending small flames to light other patrons rear ends on fire, "both of your outfits are outlining far more than I'd like to see."

"I miss Sarah," Jareth hung his head,"I just don't understand why she wouldn't stay, I would have given her everything, all she had to do is love me ,fear me and do as I say."

"You can't trust women," Rumple grumbled," I gave Belle her own cell, and still she betrayed me." His strange eyes were sad.

Durza snorted. "Neither of you know betrayal. Arya was such a bitch! I raped her and she still didn't love me!" The shade was furious and set a nearby patron on fire.

"You can't just rape them!" Jareth was outraged. "You have to at least torment them first!"

"Yeah, or at least make them clean your place. If the girl won't be compliant, at least your castle will be clean." Rumple looked miserable and flicked his hand toward the bartender, who became a small snail.

Durza waved a hand, causing a bottle of whisky to float over and fill their glasses. "Women! Who can understand them. Steal their babies, imprison them, and they're still not satisfied!"

"Tell me about it!" Rumple and Jareth spoke at the same time.

"I've fucking had it!" Durza stood up, immolating half the bar patrons. "I'm going to get my love!" He poofed out.

"He's absolutely right," Jareth mumbled,"I'm gonna steal that babe again! And this time I will make it impossible for her to win!" He gleefully turned part of the bar into a stinking cesspool of stench and poofed out.

Rumple looked sadly into his whisky. "Fuck this," he whispered miserably, setting the building on fire and poofing out.

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know if you like! Kudos are everything  
> There are more Three Villians stories, check under Brokensoul.


End file.
